The new soul

When they entered the door with the car seat, a few bags and little bitty girl, I forgot about it all. Every emotion that I had swirling around inside me was shattered by the emotion of love. Love for this little life that was so precious and beautiful.

My family clung to her. Tyler was the first to pull her out and snuggle her and she stayed in his arms while they filled us in on what little they knew of her. That night we learned her name, we call her "Vaya", and that she was only a few weeks old. That was it. They told us they would get back to us with more information as soon as the three day trial period was up.

 A few days passed and we learned a little more about this tiny bundle of girl. We learned that she seriously didn't like to be wet...or messy. She was a little temper mental on how she wanted to be held for sleeping and that she really liked to soil your clothes moments after a feeding.

We learned a few days into things that we would be holding onto her for a while. They're guess was 90 days, but they told us to prepare for a year. And that's exactly what I did. I went from the mentality of "babysitting over the weekend" to raising this child. I knew that I wasn't meant to raise her in just my ways, but the ways of her family (immediate and distant), but non the less I was going to be there for this girl for her first laugh, her first time rolling over, her first crawl, word, walk and many other firsts. That's when it really sunk in the extreme heart break. All the things I got to experience in this little girls life was all the things her mom would be missing out on. I wanted so badly to be Vaya's everything, to have all the love she could give me, but I knew that I needed her to love her mom just as much.

So when the first week went FLYING by and we crept up on the first visitation with Mom and Dad, I was nervous. Not because I was new to this whole experience and didn't really know how I was supposed to present myself or what I was supposed to supply in the diaper bag...but because I honestly didn't trust the parents not to hurt her...not yet anyways. But we made it through it. Yeah Roran had more tears in his eyes than I did, and he really was not okay with her being gone (Bless his little heart, we only had her a week and I think his attachment to her was more profound than any of ours) but we made it through the two hour visit.

The next few weeks we had more chances to learn how the interaction with social services and frustrate the living crap out of you, more chances for Vaya to meet her mom, and many more chances to build the puzzle pieces of Vaya's love that would ultimately fit into our family puzzle.

It was about three weeks into Vaya's placement with us that our oldest, Angela and I were discussing the reasons that she was in our care. It's hard to imagine talking to your 5 year old about the different kinds of drugs (yes cigarettes are a drug but you won't get your child taken away from you for smoking them, yes alcohol is a drug too and sometimes if you use it too much your child can be taken from you...) but none the less we vowed we would always be honest with our children. SO, here I am talking to her about the ramifications of Vaya's parent's actions in the best way possibly for her little mind to comprehend.

She sat quietly for a moment and when I asked what she was thinking she said. "We learned at school that all of us are God's children. So that means we are all family." It was then that I told her that Vaya will always be our family because we will forever be here for her and even though her parents were sick and needed help, that we would do our best to be family to them too. And in her sweetest, most generous way she replied..."Growing your heart sure is hard." 

The start of heart break

When Tyler and I got together, almost ten years ago. We were certain on thing. Children. We loved them. We wanted them to have the best future possible, whether they are our children or they belong to another. We knew we wanted two of our own. That way we always had the means to support two children and provide them with good, love fulfilled lives. Then once we were in a good position, we would adopt a child. With the hopes that we could provide them with a loving, supportive home that they may not have had.

That's when we started talking about the foster to adopt system. We knew we wanted to try to adopt locally if that was possible. It seemed the easiest, most affordable and most sensible way to bring a child a home. That way there would be a possibility of having a somewhat open relationship with their family, in case they ever wanted to venture to know where they came from.

This past fall we decided that we would start the process of fostering. We learned of the immense need for it in our area and couldn't hold back the care in our heart anymore. The length of the process went quickly, it wasn't more than three months from the time we filled out the paperwork to the day we had our first placement.

I wasn't prepared, and I'm not sure Tyler was either, for the intense heartbreak that comes with fostering.

After the license came in saying we were good to accept children into our home, I was anxious. Anxious for the day that I would get the phone call for a placement. Anxious that I wouldn't be a good enough foster parent. Anxious that my children were going to get hurt during the process. Anxious for the unknown.

Anxiety soon turned to hope. Hope that the community didn't need us. That the parents in the area were full of love, good decisions, and the well being of their children at the forefront of their hearts. Hope that God was being welcomed into more homes on a daily basis.

Then we got our phone call, and every emotion became scattered again. First I was excited, for something new, for change that we were about to ensue. Then I was furious. Angry. At the parents, how could they do this to a person whose entire being depends on you? I knew it happened but how could they endanger the life of child for their own pleasure? How could such a precious, defenseless baby get treated this way? Then it was panic. It had been two years since I'd taken care of a newborn for longer than a night. We didn't have anything for her, what was she coming with? Were they going to prep me on any medical issues? History? Then it was sadness that overwhelmed me. I grieved for this child that was going to be coming through my doors, I grieved for the children in the system that are unsure of their futures, but mostly I grieved for those who don't have a chance and aren't removed in time.

That's when my heart broke for the first time in this process.